(Scene opens with images of underground tunnels. Voices and metallic taps are heard echoing through.)
Charlie: Itchy, A few more degrees to the left! Now! Tap! No, no! Your other left! That's it! Keep coming, keep coming! You're almost through!
Itchy: (about to sneeze)
Charlie: Itchy, what is it? Are you OK? Well don't stop now!
Itchy: I'm sorry boss. I got dirt in my nose! (about to sneeze again)
Charlie: You gonna do it again?
(Itchy appears in the tunnels, wearing a miner's hat.)
Itchy: Stand back...I...feel...ano...ther...one...(sneezes, and hits head on a pipe)
Charlie: Itchy! You're a genius!
Itchy: Thanks boss.
Charlie: I'm glad to see you. Where are you? (hits pipe) Ow! Wha, what was that?
Itchy: Ooh, it's a pipe! Here I am Charlie! You OK? (flashes light in the tunnel)
Charlie: Ssh! I'm ok!
Itchy: (Lights a blowtorch, trying to cut the pipe) Where are you?
Charlie: (Shielding himself from the flame) Agh, no, don't! Put that thing out! What, are you trying to kill me?
Itchy: I'm so sorry, Boss, but the pipe! Here, let me try this! (Puts a jackhammer up to the pipe)
Charlie: Careful, Itchy...
Charlie: Yeah, I think that might be a water main.
Itchy: Nah Charlie, water mains are green. This is red!
Charlie: You're color blind, you've always been color blind!
Itchy: That's true, but this is green!
Charlie: It's red!
Itchy: Red? (Activates jackhammer) (On the surface, water bursts out of the ground.)
Guard 1: Busted water main! (Siren sounds.)
Guard 2: Hit the lights!
Guard 3: Call command central!
(Back underground, water rushes through the tunnels, as Charlie and Itchy runs from it.)
Itchy: Whoa! LOOK OUT!
(The scene then cuts back to the surface.)
Guard 1: Shine the light over there!
Guard 2: No, over there!
(Charlie and itchy emerges up to the surface.)
Charlie: (Struggling to get out of the hole) Agh, Itchy!
Itchy: (Also struggling) Oh, whoa!
(Searchlight centers on the pair, a gunshot barely misses them. The two break free as another shot misses and run to a nearby car.)
Charlie: C'mon, let's get out of here!
Itchy: I'm sorry Charlie, I think that was-
Charlie: Don't think! From now on, I'll think!
Itchy: Ok, you think Charlie-
(A gunshot lands directly in front of Itchy, knocking him back under the car.)
Itchy: Whoa! My stuff!
Charlie: (Grabs Itchy by the tail) Oh, forget the stuff! I'll buy you more stuff!
Itchy: Wait a minute, my drill! (Gunshot hits the drill, destroying it.)
Charlie: Oh, come on!
(Charlie runs out from under the car with Itchy dangling from his stomach. As he is running, Itchy falls off and sits there, scratching himself.)
Charlie: (Dives and grabs Itchy) Not now, not now! Don't-(Gunshot hits where Itchy was)
Charlie: Don't, not now!
(Throws Itchy who slides into a fence and falls in a hole that has been dug underneath)
Itchy: I can't help it Charlie! I itch when I'm nervous!
Charlie: Well don't be nervous!
Itchy: Here, just scratch this! (Leans his head towards Charlie)
(Charlie ducks as a gunshot flies overhead, ripping a hole in the fence and surprising Itchy. The two crawl into the hole.)
Charlie: It's not worth it being with you!
Itchy: (Underground, with Charlie) Move it! Move it!
Charlie: Pull this.
Itchy: Gnyaah! Oh, whoa! Just a minute!
Charlie: (Leaving tunnel) Ow! (Runs offscreen)
Itchy: (Poking head out of tunnel) Are you OK?
(Itchy exits the tunnel, a gunshot lands just behind him. The two run away, with gunshots landing behind them as they run)
Itchy: (As the title appears on-screen) You're such a brat!
(The scene cuts to a bayou. The panning camera passes over a sign which says "Carface & Charlie's." Another sign advertises a "Big Rat Race." The camera then pans to a decommissioned ship. Text appears onscreen: "Louisiana Bayou, 1939")
Dog: On your mark, get set, (gunshot)
(Scene cuts to inside, where rats are racing after a piece of cheese moving along a track.)
Anounncer: (Speaking quickly) And they're off! It's a spectacular line-up with Mighty Morris sticking in the lead. Rat-o-War is second by a head and Secretarirat trails by a head. What an amazing race, ladies and gentlemen, by the overturn with Mighty Morris with Rat-o-War charging in from behind. In the second turn Mighty Morris and Rat-o-war fight it out while Squad Car trails the back. Now it's Rat-o-War by a nose, Secretarirat is second by a head with Rat-o-War's back in third. But wait! Squad Car's making his move in the rear! He tries to the right, he tries to the left, but it's no good folks, it's rat-eat-rat out there and they're just not gonna let him through! But whats this? Squad Car's coming up through the middle, oh! He's caught in a pinch! Oh my gosh! But now he's climbing out, and he's...riding on top of Cheese Whiz! Now into the loop with Squad Car on top of Cheese Whiz bringing up the rear as they head into the oil slick. Oh my gosh, look out! Oh, whats this? Squad Car's playing hop-scotch on to the back stretch! Fith! Fourth! Third! I don't believe it, into the upward hill Squad Car takes the lead! So it's Squad Car by a mile Rat-o-War second by a head Cheeze Whiz moving into third. But wait, wait a minute! He's...he's...he's, he's stuck! Squad Car's stuck in the [...]. What a nightmare, wait a minute! (pants) It's Squad Car by a bit! Oh my gosh, look out! What's this? (pants) It's...it's...Squad Car streaking to the finish! What an incredible race, ladies and gentlmen! Squad car, the black and white, rat races short of [...] takes the roses in the upset of the week! Who would have known, who would have guessed? But don't go away folks, we've got plenty more action coming up in our next season...
(The scene cuts away from the race track. Gamblers are seen at other games, some are talking.)
Gambler 1: (To his friend walking with him) Well if you ask me, I think the house is rigged!
Gambler 2: (To a bartender) That does it for me, I'm busted!
Chihuaua: (Hops up to the cashier, laughing) I win!
(Gambler 3 hands ticket to the cashier, who hands him a gray piece of meat with a bite taken out of it)
Cashier: Here you go.
Chihuaua: (Sniffs meat) Ooh, bad meat!
Gambler 3: What's the odds on Terrible Tom?
Gambler 3: Oh. Well then, gimme Large Mike to win.
Gambler 4: (Drops collar on counter) Large Mike to win!
Collecter: No markers tailpipe. Come back when you've got some food!
(Trumpet plays, scene cuts to rat playing to signify the beginning of a new race. Next, a gun is shown firing, starting the race. Mice exit their pens, and the announcer begins his commentary)
Announcer: And they're off! It's a rat-eat-rat world out there as Large Mike takes the lead.
(Announcer continues as someone begins to howl. One dog drops his drink on the track, and a rat runs into it. The rat's view is displayed from inside the draining glass, revealing Charlie and Itchy at the entrance.)
Charlie': Hi guys, whaddya know, whaddya say?
Itchy: Yeah, whaddya say, whaddya know?
Charlie: Heh ha, Itchy, do we detect a little surprise here?
Itchy: Hey, boss! Maybe we should go out, and come back in again!
(The two walk in, laughing. They encounter a gambler wearing a top hat)
Top Hat Dog: Charlie? Ain't you s'pposed to be on death row?
Charlie: No, I ain't supposed to be on death row.
Itchy: Hey, I got him out! (Charlie walks up to a table of Craps and begins playing. One woman is standing there)
Woman: Things have changed, Charlie, since you've been gone. Life hasn't been no piece of cake!
Chihuaua: Carface ain't been treatin' us too good!
Woman: Things are tough, but we carry on.
Top Hat Dog: Could you spare a couple of bones, for old times sake?
(Charlie takes his winnings, two bones, to a slots machine)
Charlie: Why settle for a couple of bones when you can have the whole bank?
(Charlie puts the bones in the slot machine, pulls the lever, and kicks it, earning him the jackpot. A large net of steaks and bones falls on the Craps table)
Itchy: Charlie! Charlie, look! Ya hit the jackpot! Oho! Atta boy, Charlie! I'm proud of ya! Charlie! Tell 'em!
(Charlie hops onto the stage and begins singing)
Charlie: (Singing) Oh, you can't keep a good dog down!
Itchy: No sir!
Charlie: No, you can't keep a good dog down. I've seen pain and hurt,
Itchy: That's right!
Charlie: I've eaten dirt,
Itchy: That's true!
Charlie: It's hard to buy, but even I've been jilted by a skirt!
Itchy: He lies.
Charlie: But look how I'm still around, 'cause you can't keep a good dog down.
(Charlie pushes Itchy to the piano, as he starts playing it and sings along)
Itchy: You can't keep a good dog down!
Charlie: No you can't!
Itchy: No, no no no! No, you can't keep a good dog down.
Charlie: I've been bought and sold,
Itchy: He's been warm and cold,
Charlie: But ten to one I'll still be runnin' rackets when I'm old!
Itchy: Not in some cage in the city pound,
Charlie and Itchy: 'Cause you can't keep a good dog, can't keep a good I say you can't keep a good dog down!
Itchy: (Talking, in Irish accent) In him's the luck of the Irish!
Charlie: The pride of the Germans!
Itchy: Even (heh heh) a bit of Siam!
Charlie: Siam? (English accent) You see the calm of the English
Itchy: The Charrrm (Rolls "R") of the Spanish!
Charlie: A pedigree certainly ain't what I am! So call me a mixed up pup,
Itchy: You're a mixed up pup!
Charlie: Haha! (Climbs in wheeled stool) But the only way this pup knows is up!
Itchy: (Pushing charlie on the stool) Ok boys, C'mon! C'mon! (the croud chatters)
(Charlie and Itchy are stacked on top of other dogs and resume singing) Itchy: Up! Up! Up! C'mon!
Ensemble: You can't keep a good dog dowowowowown, no you can't keep a good dog dowowowowown.
(Killer comes down the stairs)
(Killer falls down and loses his glasses) Itchy: He's been fat and thin, Charlie: I've been out and in. (He squints at Charlie and Itchy) Itchy: He tried a life of virtue, Charlie: But preferred a life of sin! (Killer retrieves and puts on his glasses) Charlie and Itchy: So tonight man we own this town, Killer: (Shocked to see them) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (He falls into a barrel, and beer spills out into glasses, Charlie takes the plank of wood holding them) Charlie: I've known hunger, I've known thirst, lived the best and seen the worst! (He gives the beer glasses to each of the crowd) Charlie: But the only way I know to finish is to finish first! (He and Itchy then use the plank and walk up to the barrel) Charlie and Itchy: So, watch out when you hear this sound. (howls in Killers face and starts to pull him out) Charlie and Itchy: Cause you can't keep a good dog no ya, can't keep a good I say you can't keep a good dog down.' (The other dogs stack into a pyramid and Charlie, Itchy, and Killer ride the barrel down the plank, up, and down the pyramid of dogs) Ensemble: You can't. Keep a good. Dog. Doooooooown! WOLF! (The barrel stops at the wall and the two sit on a pile of ropes, with killer on the floor. The group starts laughing (Except for killer) and Itchy is sent through a hidden door in the wall, unnoticed by Charlie or anyone else who is distracted from laughing and teasing the humiliated Killer. Itchy is shown on the other side, confused, and the scene transitions to Carface's office. Inside, there is a cab with smoke coming out of it. Killer enters the room through the door and approaches the cab)
Killer: It's him, boss! I don't get it! Look, Mister Carface, boss, I know what you're thinking but I don't know nothin' about this! (Crawls on the hood of the cab) We set him up for good!-
Killer: Uh huh? (The shot shows Carface in the back seat, smoking a cigar)
Carface: I do not wish that I should share 50% of the business with my partner, Charlie.
Killer: (Grabs the windshield wipers) You want that I should go squeeze his head with the pliers? (Laughs)
Carface: Killer! Killer!
Killer: Uh huh?
Carface: That is no way to treat an old friend! Friends must be handled in a friendly, and business-like way.
Charlie: (Offscreen) Carface!
(Scene cuts to the hall outside of 'the office. Charlie is coming up the stairs into the hall)
Charlie: (Laughs) Hey, Carface, you decent? (laughs again)
(The door opens, and Charlie approaches it, getting low. Carface appears in the door)
Carface: Charlie, oh, is it really you?
Charlie: Is it really me? Ha ha, is it really you? (Picks up Carface and twirls with him) Hey, you've put on a little weight. (Drops Carface) I told you to stay off those sweets (laughs).
(Charlie sits on a chair, turns on the radio and begins to move to the music)
Charlie: This place is, eh... this place is lookin' ok. (Picks up pillow, begins bouncing it on hind legs) Little ghost but, ok. You know, partner, I'm proud of you. But the customers, they ain't laughin'.
Carface: (Laughs, turns off radio) Gamblers are never happy, Charlie, you know that!
Charlie: Yeah, but I've been thinking, (turns radio back on) you know what this place needs? I mean, besides new curtains and chandeleers, it needs some class, a little culture, coreography, and some influence of the theatre. Dancing girls, whaddya say? You know what else...
Carface: (Turns off radio) Charlie, Charlie, Charlie! Times has changed. I've changed, you've changed.
Charlie: (Walks over, turns radio on) Ha! Whaddya talkin' about, I haven't changed!
Carface: (Turns radio off) Charlie, you've done time, and that's not good for business!
Charlie: (Turns radio on) What are you saying?
Carface: You are a dog with a record. (Turns radio off)
Charlie: (Turns radio on) I was framed!
Carface: I know that. You're like a brother to me, and thats why...why...
Charlie: Why what?
Carface: (Turns radio off) we need to (Charlie turns on radio) split up the partnership!
Charlie: What? Are you out of your mind?
Carface: They're gonna be lookin' for you, Charlie, and what's the first place they're gonna look, huh? Here! Here! (Takes the knob off of the radio) I don't like it, Charlie, but it's for our own good!
(Scene cuts away to Itchy, who is in a back hall. He begins to overhear a conversation in a nearby room)
Dog 1: Did it eat yet?
Dog 2: Uh, yeah, it ate, uh, but, how come I've gotta feed Carface's little monster?
Itchy: (Gasps) (Whispering) Monster? (Killer's shadow is seen entering the room)
Killer: Come on, dogs, you've got a job to do! Carface wants you to get rid of Charlie.
(The dogs exit the room)
Itchy: Charlie? (Begins scratching himself) Oh, ooh, ah! Charlie! They're gonna kill you, Charlie! (Bangs on the door) Charlie they're gonna kill you!
(Scene returns to Carface's office. Carface is giving Charlie a Candy Cane)
Carface: So, we'll set you up somewheres where they don't know you.
Charlie: Yeah, go on... (Carface exits to the hall, Charlie follows him)
Carface: Fifty percent of this is yours, right? Charlie, take it. You want a cut of the steaks?
Carface: (Laughs) And one half of the Mignons.
Charlie: Huh. This is sounding a little better all the time!
Carface: (Laughs) But it's a deal?
Charlie: Well...(Laughs) Deal! (Laughing) Put her there.
(The scene cuts to a view of the outside of the casino, with Carface yelling from the inside)
Carface: Boys! Listen up! My former partner wishes to announce that he is going into business for himself!
Killer: You heard the boss!
Carface: Shut up! Boys, to the Mardi Gras!
(Camera pans to a shot of the town. Fireworks are seen, and the scene cuts to the streets. A large croud is seen dancing there are dancers floats, etc. Itchy is seen running through the crouds)
Itchy: Charlie! Uh, Charlie! Ooh, Charlie! (Itchy is almost stepped on by a woman) Watch those heels, lady!
(The scene then shows an empty float away from the crowd)
Carface: And, I am sure that I speak for every dog amongst us, (Scene cuts to inside, showing Carface, his minions, Charlie, and Killer) in wishing you the best of luck in your new venture. (Carface is on top sitting between Charlie drinking at a table next to Killer eating a sandwich) And now, as a token of our esteem, we are presenting to you this lucky gold watch!
(Carface pulls a gold watch out of his pocket)
(a drunken Charlie jumps on the table and take the watch)
Charlie: (Laughs) Takes a lickin, (licks the watch) and keeps on tickin. (Falls over onto group)
Group (including Charlie): (Drunken singing) You can't keep a good dog down.
Carface: (Whispering to Killer) Killer. Killer!
Killer: Uh huh?
Carface: Take Charlie out back for the big surprise
Killer: Surprise? What surprise, boss?
Carface: The big (Drags finger across throat) surprise!
Killer: (Laughs, pours large amount of ketchup on a sandwich) You mean, (Holds sandwich up to carface) that surprise? (Looks at sandwitch and faints, but is still holding the sandwich up.)
Carface: Ya moron.
(Flicks ashes from his cigar onto the sandwich) (Charlie is seen, being held up/carried by other dogs)
Charlie: He he he he! The doggonest pal. As well, than ever man (Laughs). (Scene moves to exterior) I love you guys. You wanna sing with me? You wanna sing with me?
( As the group carries Charlie out the back of the float, Itchy is seen running inside the front of the float)
Itchy''''':'' Charlie! (Scene cuts to docks two figures are seen on it)
Charlie:'' (drunk singing) You can't keep a good... Do you know this? You can't keep a good dog down.
Killer: This is the mark. Stay here, and don't peek Charlie.
Charlie: (drunk singing) I've been fat and thin I've been out, been in... He, He, he.
(Killer runs up the dock to meet up with Carface while laughing)
Carface: Shut up. (Opens a car door hitting Killer's face) Goodbye Charlie. (laughs as he starts the car's engine and begins pushing it down the dock where Charlie was)
Killer: Boss can I help ya push the car ? Can I ? Can I ? Please ?
(Itchy appears far away on higher ground and sees what's about to happen.)
(Itchy continues to yell as Carface and Killer are both pushing the car down while laughing.)
Carface: Killer, shut up, shut up! SHUT UP!!!
(Scene cuts to the drunken Charlie still singing as the car draws near.)
Charlie: (Drunk singing) CAN'T KEEP A GOOD DOG DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN.
(The car runs into Charlie (unseen) and shoots off the docks and sinks into the water. The scene cuts to Charlie flying through space until he crashes into dog heaven.)
Charlie: (Pants) Where am I!?
(Annabelle, the whippet archangel appears before Charlie.)
Annabelle: This is the great hall of judgement.
Annabelle: Oh not to worry Charlie you'll go to heaven. All dogs go to heaven because unlike people, dogs are naturally good, and loyal and kind.
Charlie: (Sighs) Yea that's true.
Annabelle: (Singing) Welcome to doing whatever you wish.
Charlie: Oh, this is really a lovely place you got here.
Annabelle: Eating whenever you please. Follow me. To a constant different climate, we keep it 73 degrees.
We’re still on Faienheit here.
Charlie: That’s fine with me.
Annabelle: Welcome to [.................]
Charlie: Oh boy.
Annabelle: To order and calming state.
Charlie: Ah great.
Annabelle: Welcome to being dead.
Charlie: What?! You mean I’m-I’m?
Anaabelle: Stone cold I’m afraid.
Charlie: I can’t believe it! I’ve been murdered!
Annabelle: (Opens a book) I’m having trouble finding any goodness or loyalty here, but, let me see.
Charlie: He killed me!
Annabelle: I beg your pardon?
Charlie: There’s been a mistake been made here! (starts singing) I don’t want to die, you’ve got the wrong guy. I was double crossed by a dirty rat actually this rat was a dog (little angel animals put a robe, wings and a halo on Charlie.) but his car ran me down, I just blew out of jail, I just got back to town Hey, this is hard to explain. May I speak to your Superior? Cause I don’t want to die!
Annabelle: Welcome to doing what every you wish, Charlie: (you got the wrong guy.) laughing and singing all day.
Charlie: Hey! Listen! My time’s not up yet! (Tears off wings, then tries to take off long robe.)
Annabelle: Oh it is. There’s no mistake about that. We know everything.
Charlie: Murdered in the prime of my life! Damn, that Carface I’ll kill him.
(Charlie is then raised up by a big enough cloud to a room full of watches.)
Charlie: Hey! This must be the watch department huh?
(A stopwatch floats in front of Charlie.)
Annabelle: Well, you might call it that. You see this watch is your life. And it stopped.
Charlie: Well, can’t you just wind it up or something?
Annabelle: And send you back? Oh no no no no, no one’s ever allowed to go back. Just put your paw right here. (Gives Charlie a book.)
Charlie: What’s that for?
Annabelle: For a book of records. You see everything about you that was or will be is right here.
Charlie: Ah isn’t that wonderful. I love it here. You mean there’s no surprises or anything?
Annabelle: Oh no no no no, we know everything.
Charlie: Oh that’s just lovely. The clouds, the grass, the air.
Annabelle: Heaven is a wonderful place.
Charlie: Yeah, no surprises huh? Say, would you like to dance? (They began dancing.) You mean if I’m waiting for an inside straight up here I’d know in advance when I felt it?
Annabelle: We know how it all turns out.
Charlie: You must of studied dancing. You have natural rhythm, unusual for a Whippet. (Begans twirling her)
Annabelle: Ah, I’m getting dizzy!
Charlie: Everything is so lovely here. So planned, so ordered. And that’s what’s driving me crazy. (Sees watch and begans singing.) I need Brazil, the throb, the thrill. I’ve never been there, but someday I will. Adventure and danger, love from a stranger. Let me be surprised. (Catches the watch, but it's then taking out of his paws by Annabelle as the both of them falls into a pile of watches.) Today the sun, they said there’d be snow. When all said and done, it’s fun not to know. What keeps my heart humming, is guessing what’s coming. Let me be surprised. (Charlie sneaks the watch away from Annabelle, distracting her with his, then falls on another cloud.) Oh ain’t it great. Annabelle: (ain’t it great.) Charlie: When fate lets you wait. Annabelle: (Lalalalala.) Charlie: The world seems merthless, you feel worthless. Then suddenly there’s a big bone on your plate.
Annabelle: Oh Charlie please remember down there’s a world of used cars, and singles bars. Broken dreams, and not every star.
Charlie: But it isn’t over, not for this rover. I don’t like to steal, but I don’t buy this deal. In bout three seconds, she will have realized. And she’s gonna be. (Charlie winds up his life watch behind his back.)
Annabelle: Charlie what are you doing?
Charlie: Wait’ll you see.
Annabelle: What’s that you have behind your back?
Charlie: She’s gonna be.
Annabelle: (Gasps) Charlie don’t wind that watch! (She begans tugging on him trying to take the watch.)
(Charlie's watch suddenly explosed, sending him flying down from heaven.)
Annabelle: (Voice) You can never come back.